Is your relationship worth investing in? Really, is it worth it? Are you both willing to face each other and yourselves in order to explore what is going on between you and take responsibility for your part in it? Are you both willing to change?
At their best relationships can be loving and supportive containers that allow each partner to learn from the other and, through creating harmony together, to develop as individuals far faster than they would have been able to on their own. At their worst they are miserable prisons that the inmates choose to stay in because they are afraid to escape.
Intimate relationships often start with an intoxicating rush of lust and romantic love. We are attracted to people who complete us and the feeling when we meet someone who does is magical. Unfortunately, with time the magic fades, our rose tinted glasses fall to the ground and we are faced with the reality of an imperfect partner who does things that reveal the hurts inside of us. Romantic love can quickly turn into blame and resentment. Often emotional and sexual issues are very much linked.
Session structure
As with my individual therapy I have no set recipe when working with couples. At times I will be directive and take control of the session … creating and enforcing structured ways of working within which both partners can explore and express themselves. At other times things are a lot more fluid as we all come into the moment, noticing the interplay of energies within and between you both, identifying and releasing blocks to intimacy … often without needing to use any words.
Before the session I usually ask both partners to do some individual preparation work. Typically I’ll ask you to write down what you would like from the sessions and to give me a brief personal history.
When we are in the room together I’ll usually start by asking you both to tell each other why you are here and what you would like to get out of the process. This gives an opportunity for me to see how you are with each other for you to practice expressing and listening.
When couples are very reactive I will create very strongly bounded exercises in which each take turns expressing emotions and reflecting back. If words are getting misunderstood or twisted I’ll take them away and start the couple with basic intimacy exercises involving touch and movement. By moving together and learning to lead and follow it is possible to re-develop basic levels of trust and responsiveness without the complexities and distractions of ‘he said, she said’.
For more aware couples my preferred way of working is that of dynamic modeling. I’ll ask you questions like ‘What’s it like between you?’, ‘How close are you?’ and ‘Now, what are you noticing?’ Through your answers, we will build up a sense of the energies you are carrying between you, and how you are avoiding or coping with them. As this awareness builds I’ll coach you to face towards each other, to explore the edges of any barriers holding you apart, and to notice how you are holding back from each other (usually to protect your partner). Through this exploration energy will start to move and it is usual for strong emotions to begin to arise and be released. As the energy moves and emotions are expressed couples report new feelings of intimacy and freedom.
Often as we work it becomes apparent that a particular aspect of the couple dynamic comes from one partner or the other – often a pattern that has it’s roots in early childhood experiences or their family history. Here we have a choice: we can either let a session focus more on one partner while the other observes, or we can choose to get together for individual sessions. It is quite common for me to see a couple together for a few sessions and then to alternate a couple session with individual sessions. Any content which is discussed in individual sessions is confidential and will not be intentionally raised by me with the other partner.
Towards the end of each session I’ll usually work with you both to choose appropriate homework assignments. These will usually be quite pleasant or interesting to complete and will often build on or practice techniques learned in the session.
Session length and therapy duration
Many therapists work a 50 minute ‘hour’ with average fees in London ranging from £40 to £140 for this time. It is quite usual for therapists to charge more when working with couples than they do with individuals.
In my experience 50 minutes is just not long enough for us to settle down, get into deep work, work through it, and close the session properly. When you also consider the time you both invest travelling to and from the session I believe longer sessions offer far greater value for money and so my sessions last for 1.5 hours. I charge the same for couples and individuals – I figure you are paying for my time. While I can see the value of a regular therapy meeting I also recognize that busy people have diaries that change from week to week. I prefer to offer flexible appointments that you can book week to week and are free to move or cancel so long as you give me at least 48 hours notice. If one partner can’t make it at short notice I’m happy to see the partner who can make it for an individual session (we will confront this if it becomes a pattern).
I usually see couples once a week for the first few weeks. As we work through more stuff and as things start to settle down it is usual for us to meet less frequently and, potentially, for us to meet for individual sessions. How long does therapy last? My answer is ‘for as long as it offers you good value for money’.
