Are the pressures, responsibilities, or expectations at work or home getting to you? Have you recently experienced a significant life change or stressful life event? Has a separation, bereavement, or migration affected the integrity of your social network or your wider system of social supports or values? Have you been struggling with a transition such as going to university, becoming a parent, failing to achieve a cherished personal goal, or retiring? Are you depressed, anxious, or worrying? Are you unable to cope, plan ahead, or continue in the present situation and somewhat disabled in your daily routine?
If you answered ‘yes’ to many of the above questions then a psychiatrist may diagnose you with generalised anxiety disorder or adjustment disorder. The rest of us would probably say you are stressed.
Coping with stress
Coping strategies are the sets of behaviors people develop to enable them to live with their stress.
Waiting for stress to pass
Do nothing. Soldier on. Perhaps things will be better tomorrow?
But you said that yesterday. Who was it who said that the definition of insanity was doing the same things and expecting a different result?
Passing stress on
If somebody or something is stressing you out then you can feel better by taking it out on somebody else. If you have kids or people reporting to you at work simply shout at them or make unreasonable demands backed up by an overt or covert threat of the consequences if they do not do what you say. An important part of effective delegation is ensuring that shit continues to roll downhill past you.
The problem with passing stress on is that, sooner or later, people begin to notice. If your boss notices then they may well cut out the middle man and promote your subordinate to your job so they can stress them directly. If the person you are stressing recognizes what you are doing they may bounce the stress back by getting you to be clear about your requirements and even getting you to prioritize their time. Or they may just quit. While your children don’t have the option of quitting they can withdraw from you and move far away. So much for them visiting you in your old age.
Causes of stress
Stress is caused by tension. Tension is caused by forces acting in different directions. Stress is, therefore, caused by internal conflict; on the one hand, ‘x’, but on the other hand, ‘y’. Examples of internal conflicts include: I want to give up, but I’m afraid of failing; I want to say no but I’m afraid of hurting their feelings; I want to let go, but I’m afraid of being lonely.
Decisions can be stressful. Do I marry Jane who makes me laugh, or Sue who is really pretty? Do I take the boring high paid job, or the interesting low paid job? We can spend hours weighing things up but both options have their own pros and cons. They are examples of the conflict: I want to make a choice, but I’m afraid of making the wrong decision.
Many of us cope with the present by imagining that things will be better in the future. We create an imaginary universe in which we are happy and visit it when we can. But what happens when we fail the exam, when a competitor launches their product first, or when god strikes us down with an accident or illness? Circumstances are trying to take your dream, your haven, away from you and you are afraid of letting it go and facing the reality of now. Letting go of your hopes for the future is much like coming to terms with the death of a dead friend, relative, or partner … it can be very sad. It is the denial of the reality of the situation, and the struggle to hold on that causes the stress.
Resolving stress
Eckhart Tolle recommends the following actions if you find yourself in a stressful situation: either completely accept the situation for what it is; take action to change the situation; or remove yourself from the situation (preferably completely accepting it first).
What you can do right now
Make a list of every situation in your life that is making you stressed. For each one, consider what is keeping you in the situation … could you choose to remove yourself? If you are prepared to leave then is it worth trying to change things first? Try confronting people like this:
- Tell them what is happening. Use sensory specific evidence that is undisputable. E.g. ‘You just raised your voice to me, you did the same thing twice yesterday.’
- Tell them how this behaviour affects you. Do not blame them, just tell the truth. E.g. ‘When you do that I feel afraid and I find it difficult to concentrate on my work.’
- Tell them how you would like things to be. Be reasonable and realistic. E.g. ‘I’d prefer it if you could warn me if you are going to shout so that I can take a few steps away from you and listen to what you are saying without feeling threatened.’
- Check in with them. ‘How would that be for you?’
If you can’t remove yourself or change the situation then you will have to find a way to accept it. I can help you to do this.
How I can help resolve your stress
I will work with you to identify how you are allowing yourself to be affected by the circumstances around you. I usually work from the assumption that the world will stay the same … and that you can choose to change. By taking responsibility and resolving the stressful tensions between you and yourself you eliminate the risk that you will bounce around avoiding one source of stress just to find that you have jumped into another one.
NLP parts integration can be a very powerful transformative technique in which the client allows the conflicting parts of himself to step onto the hands. Here the client can see both parts and the stressful relationship between them. As we explore, the parts begin to see the detrimental impact of the struggle and come to recognise and value the qualities of the other. In their own time they usually become interested in meeting each other and the hands begin to move together … as if some outside force is moving them. It’s a bit weird! As the hands touch the client experiences the relief of coming back into harmony with themselves and comes out of the naturally occurring hypnotic trance, and back into the room. The situation that seemed stressful before does not have the same effect on them any more and new options are available.
Take action now
Interested in learning more about NLP psychotherapy and hypnotherapy for stress management? I work face-to-face in Bethnal Green, East London and online via Skype and Google talk. Call me now for a free chat and to arrange an appointment.
